Me: I don't even know. I have a lot to talk about, though, I think.
Me: Tonight would be a perfect walk-night, 'cause I know I'd do all the talking this time, but it's just too fucking cold.
Tom: i could always come over
Me: I don't know. This will do for tonight. I need to sleep, or at least humor myself with the idea that I'm going to do so sometime tonight.
Me: But thank you for the offer, I'll call you on it sometime soon.
Tom: your awfully hard to read lately
Me: I know. I'm sorry.
Me: It's because, well... I don't know. I'm finally starting to feel more like me lately.
Me: But it's been a hard transition.
Me: It's like I didn't want to let go of my morose, angsty ways.
Tom: yea i think i kinda know what you mean
Tom: i cancelled my WoW account today
Me: Did you?
Tom: i don't know, i tell myself its for schools sake, but even i know thats a load
Tom: i guess
Tom: i am finally getting tired of running
Me: Running from what?
Tom: life i guess, and having to live it
Tom: don't side track me though, what’s got you so distracted lately?
Me: I'm not sure. It's like every morning I've vanished at least a dozen times into something better, and I'm just left with this little shell.
Me: I've got this strange urge to move out.
Me: And to write a letter to a handful of friends.
Me: Apologizing for everything I've ever done, or worse-- NOT done... and letting them know what sort of an impact they've had on me.
Me: But I'm afraid they wouldn't take me seriously.
Me: Or they wouldn't find it as important as I do.
Me: I'm overwhelmed.
Me: For the first time ever I'm telling myself I don't deserve the good things that are going on in my life. I feel like I’m just going to end up hurting everyone and I shouldn’t even bother trying this time.
Me: I'm afraid I'm going to loose my friends.
Me: My job is going really well and it's scaring me.
Me: Everyone likes me there.
Me: I've got this problem with not being able to leave well-enough alone.
Me: I can't turn my brain off. It's screaming at me to listen, and when I stop, it just repeats everything it's already said.
Me: I feel so snowed under, and yet in retrospect I don't see anything to stress about.
Me: I just feel like I wake up every morning and tumbled several flights of stairs to my bedroom floor, feet away.
Tom: I’m finding that the difference between the two is starting to matter less and less, its always the same thing, just when i'm sleeping i can see it, and when i'm awake i can feel it.
Tom: or maybe i just care less about it
Tom: my dreaming is getting more and more frequent, its always something different, but with the same feeling, or rather, the same thing expressed a different way.
Tom: i can't even describe it, like a promise that feels like a threat. like if you've ever really been in the mood for juice and you only have water and milk
Tom: i'm happy things are going so well for you, you just need to let things progress and not over analyze it so much, just enjoy the things around you
Tom: you never let good thing happen to you, you either chase them away or run from them. thats something we've always had in common
Tom: your just a worrier is all
Tom: your a good person, you've always been a good person, sure you've made some mistakes, but everyone does, and unlike everyone you actually try your best to fix things, even when your not responsible for them
Tom: you deserve a little happiness once in a while, just let yourself accept it
Me: I suppose.
Me: I don't know.
Me: I’m afraid my friends are going to get sick of me. I'm afraid of a relationship. I’m afraid this job is going to go well and I won’t be able to sneak out of it (not that I want to) like the other ones. I told myself I wouldn't date for a while. I told myself I wouldn’t give in to my self-destructive tendencies. That I’d practice what I preach. Be there for my friends more than I have been lately… I don’t know *>.<* I just don’t want everyone I love to fall out of my reach like they always seem to do…
Tom: i've made a goal not to try to give advice on things i don't know anything about
Tom: love and relationships make the top of that list I’m afraid
Me: I don't know what to do.
Tom: well, i can tell you what i think
Tom: love is the most important thing in all the world, some people pretend they don't need it, some live their whole lives without it, but life without love is meaningless. a moment of love, even just a flash, even in its misperceived and not returned, and never seen again, can give value to a hundred lifetimes of suffering. you'll never be able to find it if you keep holding back half your heart in case it doesn't work out the way you planned. you always told me to go out and get hurt, and i think you are right, i was always too cowardly, chained alone in the dark with my self-loathing and ignorance, but believe me, if there is even a small glimmer of a chance that you can find love, take it, throw everything you have at it and chase until you can't anymore. because if you don't your heart will never forgive you. and the greatest pain the world has to offer is buried beneath loves shadow.
Tom: thats why love is such a cruel thing, to be apart from it is the same thing as being dead
Me: I love you.
Tom: i didn't mean to unload on you there
Me: That's alright.
Tom: are you still awake?
Me: I need to sleep...I think. But I can't.
Tom: i really don't want to sleep